


Misery You Crave

by behzaintfunny



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Multiple, Poetry, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:07:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27210112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behzaintfunny/pseuds/behzaintfunny
Summary: A story told in as few words as possible. My take on some things that were never said.(Or: an assortment of Berlermo poetry.)
Relationships: Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa/Palermo | Martín Berrote
Comments: 11
Kudos: 27





	1. The sweetest thing

**Author's Note:**

> ...I'm really just winging it. Because of that, I'd value feedback now more than ever.
> 
> I wanted to write something happy. I really did. And then I wrote this.
> 
> (title is from "scarlet" by in this moment)

Tell me, do you yearn for me?  
  
Or is it a feeling you yearn for;  
A touch, an emotion,  
No more than one craves a rare but sweet delicacy?  
  
Would you take a bite of me, hesitantly,  
Or swallow me whole,  
Forsaking all pretense of dignity?  
  
You'd find me bittersweet, I'm afraid,  
Recoil in disgust  
Before leaning in for another try  
  
Learning quickly that the sweetest venom  
Tends to sting the worst.  
  
But you, my love,  
Were nothing if not sweet;  
Spilling sweet poison from your supple lips,  
Sweet pain you inflicted upon me.  
  
Such sweetness I had never experienced before.  
  
A touch, a shadow,  
A strike and a blow,  
A taste for what could have been  
But wasn't.  
  
I tasted it on my own lips. I knew then  
It was too sweet to be true.


	2. My own

Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like  
To be a marvelous red rose  
And lose all of your petals?  
  
Beautiful, cherry-sweet petals  
Which you have cherished all your life  
Now mere piles of ash and dust,  
Gone, forgotten, lost.  
  
I cannot say you have.  
Surely you'd have been the one to pluck the petals yourself,  
  
My own perfect rose.


	3. The sharpest thorns

Last night, I dreamt of your arms.  
  
Of how I used to fit inside them,  
In that small space between your shoulders;  
Lay my cheek against your chest  
And struggle not to imagine how it would feel  
To live inside your skin.  
  
How easy it would have been  
To curl myself around your heart  
Like thorns or silky soft rope  
Woven into your blood  
With desperate strands of mine.  
  
For surely then you'd have known  
  
The curse of loving you is pain,  
Jarring and scorching red  
Like the sharpest bleeding thorns  
Protecting the sweetest nectar.  
  
I'd lie inside your arms and dream.  
  
Dream of running in your bloodstream  
Controlling each one of your cells  
So that maybe then, in time,  
You'd have loved me, too.  
  
How easy it would have been, then,  
For me to love you back.


	4. Venus de Milo

I marvel at your creation  
Like one would at Venus de Milo.  
  
It dawns upon me then, finally,  
That the artists knew nothing of beauty  
For they had never seen your face  
Carved to utmost perfection,  
  
Falling apart under my open palms.

They had never indeed seen you cry  
Never witnessed your happiness  
Your sorrow, your rage.  
  
I knew then that I would have failed as an artist  
For I would have always seen your face  
Painted in the gentle hues of ecstasy  
Whenever my hands picked up the brush.  
  
But for you, my love,  
I could have forsaken all art  
If only to immortalise this picture of you  
In the canvas of my mind.  
  
How beautiful it'd have been,  
How marvelous indeed;  
  
My own private masterpiece  
Of your perfect undoing.


	5. On my knees

What I wouldn't give just to watch.  
  
To watch the sun as it kisses your skin  
Highlighting it in all the wrong places  
And yet making you look less like one of us mortals  
And more like a deity, a god.  
  
I never looked to religion,  
But the sinner I am, hellbent on hate,  
My love, I would believe in you.  
  
To kneel by your feet in worship  
Bear witness to your thighs before me  
Lean in for just a single touch  
Just a taste of oblivion.  
  
Is this what love tastes like, perhaps?  
Is it you on my tongue, bitter and yet sweet?  
  
Or is it all a farçe, a dream?  
  
Were you ever there, my love?  
Is it you I worship  
Or the memory of you?  
  
Was it ever you?


	6. Pleasure in pain

Why is it that when I come to console you  
It is I that trembles in your arms so?  
  
How is it that to fall in love with you wasn't a choice  
But a natural occurrence in life,  
As much as it was to take my first breath  
Or to plunge into the fire in you?  
  
I see you in the flickering embers of the fireplace  
And do not feel any of its warmth  
But why is it that when I tell you this  
you do not understand?  
  
When it is you that comes to me  
Raw, exposed and broken  
Is it you that cries, or I?  
  
When you close your eyes on this world  
Is it my face you see  
Or my trembling hand  
Bleeding, cold and yet still  
Holding onto yours?  
  
When you dream of me, love,  
Tell me, do you cry?


	7. Broken

It was destiny, perhaps,  
That pulled me towards you  
But it did not pull me away.

You did.

Tell me, how must I bend myself  
To please you?  
Does such an angle exist?

I need to know, dearest,  
Before my spine gives way.

Do you see how I ache for you?  
Must you wonder why?

Would it have been worth it to break,  
If only to feel your pity wash down my skin;  
Drink it in like the finest liquor  
Knowing I would never taste it again?

I look at you, angel of wrath, and it terrifies me  
Just how badly I want to please you,  
March upon the field of your love in triumph  
And be reborn in your sweet mercy.

Must every way of loving you  
Involve losing myself?


	8. Let it burn

I roam the seas of selfishness  
Drowning the last of myself in fear  
Of you seeing the real me  
Underneath the snark, underneath the pain.  
  
To reside in the depths of hell  
Waiting for the fire to swallow me whole  
For leaving you stranded in a sea of sharks  
Would bring me comfort, my love,  
If it would mean you didn't drown.  
  
For how else would I know that you'd stay,  
O' brave voyager, trying to find your home in me?  
How can I tell you and look you in the eye again  
That this home of yours is lost forever?  
  
Would you hurt me if I asked you?  
Would I hurt you if you didn't? 


	9. Et tu contra me?

To gaze upon your wrath  
Is what opened my eyes.  
  
I saw you then for the first time;  
Bloodied and beaten,  
Victorious and powerful.  
  
It felt good, perhaps  
Not to have that wrath directed at me  
Silently, cruelly,  
Never so clear that it'd hurt your name,  
Never to make me want to run away.  
  
Because that's what you wanted,  
Right?  
  
To place the fruit of your conquest before my feet  
With a proud smile on your face and tell me  
'I did it all for you, caesar.'  
  
Would I have forgiven you then  
For the knife you thrust in my back?


	10. Mad world

In my tireless courtship with death,  
I seem to have lost myself.

Have you seen him, roaming like a ghost?  
Do you still ache for him?

See, the thing about dying  
Is how slowly it creeps around;  
Tentatively, gently crushing your windpipe  
With a kiss and a smile,  
Leaving an unspoken promise in its wake.

Somewhere between hello and goodbye  
You stole a piece of me,  
Your finest heist of all,  
Kept it safe from the world, from me,  
Hidden beneath your heart.

It festered and bloomed like a disease,  
A wound that never healed,  
The crown jewel of your martyrdom.

Is it in the gutter now, where our love is,  
With all the bile in the world?

I only wish I could have seen you crush it  
Between your bloodied hands  
Showing me one last time  
Just how much I hurt you.

Does it feel like dying, perhaps,  
Knowing the dead do not hurt?


	11. Fire

How is it that when I touch you  
I do not get burned  
But still feel it tingling inside my skin  
The way it does when you kiss me senseless?  
  
How is it that when we mix, we explode,  
But yet gravitate towards each other  
Hopelessly, helplessly, always  
Searching for that fatal spark?  
  
I never knew it would hurt so much to touch the stars,  
To feel their breath upon my skin.  
  
I never knew love could be painful  
Until I touched your fire for the first time  
And failed to let go.  
  
To lose myself in your flame  
Was nothing short of a slow death  
But I'd never known dying to feel so good.  
  
How is it to burn for someone that isn't even there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much about the love I received on this rather unconventional fic. I never knew if anyone at all would be down to read something like it, and now in a few days I'll post the last chapter. I really hope I managed to make it something special for you.


End file.
